Second Doubts

I had a pretty good holiday season and was anxious to get going on the next leg of my adventure. Because I didn't want to be tempted by all the trimmings that go along with Christmas and New Years, I stayed pretty close to home most days. A habit I have is keeping the TV on for the background noise when I am alone in the house. But that darn TV got me to thinking in directions I really didn't want to go.

One day I was really bored and started counting all the food commercials on TV, many of which were followed by diet and exercise commercials. It was staggering, but I reasoned that the food commercials were here to stay and the exercise/diet commercials were seriously taking advantage of the guilt that most of us get for even thinking about the extra piece of pie or the extra egg nog.

The diet commercials did their job. They planted a seed. They made me doubt the need for the lap-band surgery.

I had always told myself that the best way was to make the lifestyle changes I needed to make about food choices and especially portion control. I wanted to do it on my own, and I was serious this time about sticking to it. I saw the "success" stories of all the people who lost 30, 40, or even 50 lbs holding their jeans up. I saw the stories of the atypical  person who lost 100 lbs. I wanted to be one of those people. If they could do it, why couldn't I be one of the "results not typical" people?

Then I realized the one important thing:  I will NEVER be one of those people.

The simple truth is, I eat too much. And being by myself, I find it hard to exercise portion control. I have tried. But my resolve only lasts a few days. Not having anybody to yell or slap my hand, it just eventually goes by the wayside. Oh, I would lose a couple of pounds, but gain them right back within three days. That stupid cycle thing again...

Last December 15th, I had my final required insurance meeting with my doctor. He was disappointed that I had only lost a half a pound since first coming in. He didn't seem impressed that I lost weight after my trip back East in October. I did gain it all back after being home a couple of weeks. And he didn't want to hear that I maintained my weight Thanksgiving week. I had actually gained and lost four November pounds. And there I was, in his office, one week before my 60th birthday and Christmas, and HE was disappointed.

So, the Sunday after Christmas I started transitioning to my serious weight-losing mode. And I lost 3 pounds in 4 days. Good, right? Then came New Year's Eve and the next day. Back to square one again! I hate this freakin' cycle!

Yesterday, I finished cooking my final "real" meal for a few months. I drank my first instant breakfast and will only have liquids until at least a couple of weeks after my surgery. But, I have also learned something else about myself. And this one is an important one!

I have never done well with shouldn't. However, I AM a rule follower. I can do "can't." There is, in my mind and willpower, a huge difference between "I shouldn't eat that" and "I can't eat that." I am now using the idea that I am allergic to food and can't have it, just like I can't take certain medicines because I am allergic. It will be hard, especially if I am around all the smells of food and drink when I am out and about. But I must do this. If I don't lose the weight before the surgery, and keep it off, the doctor will not do the surgery.

I dreamed last night of crunchy tacos - loaded with all the goodies. I was looking in the restaurant, nose and hands pressed to the window as tears ran down my cheeks. All the people were laughing and looking at me as they deliberately took a long, slow bite of their tacos, licking their lips and sipping their margaritas. Part of me didn't want to wake up because I wanted to keep staring at those greasy tacos.

When I finally got up, I got out the packaged breakfast.

I may be single, and I may be a 3 or 4 F woman with issues, but by golly, I am developing will power.

I will do this! I WILL have a Happy New Year!