The Proud Skin

What an eventful week I have had. Weird, but eventful, and chock full of new information! Let me warn you in advance, this one won't be pretty....

Okay, first, as promised here is a full lenth picture of me taken in early February. Weight was 270.

I went to the doctor for my first month checkup. I was, according to him, right on track. I was a little worried since I didn't feel I had eaten correctly during the previous two weeks. I was surprised to learn that he wasn't worried, since I had actually lost eight pounds since my last visit a week  after  my surgery. Ok, that was good for me!  I was also surprised as to how little saline I actually had in my band. He had kept it a small amount to let my hernia repair heal. The average first fill is about 4cc's, and I only had 1.8cc's. And, I had still lost weight! Yea! He did put in an additional 2cc's in the band, since I told him that I felt I was eating too much. The fill itself was painless. A little numbing cream, a little squirt and you are done! That was the good part!

Now for the not so good part... I should forewarn you that I am now officially the butt of all the jokes. Do you get where this might be going??

When you drastically change your diet, as I did both before and after  the surgery,   your colon undergoes some dramatic change, specifically in your bowel movements. 

I need to preface this by saying  I hardly ever get constipated. But, not putting in a lot of food equates to not putting out a lot of poop. And I had been living with the old way so long I never worried about it. Junk food in, easy poop out. NOT ANY MORE!!!

One of the other problems that got aggravated were my hemmoroids and the chronic fissure in the anus area. I hate that I am explaining this, but I did promise honesty, good and bad. Well, the hemmoroids and the fissure kept getting worse and more painful. So much so, that for the first time since the surgery, I considered taking pain medication. Having had enough, I decided to ask the doctor to take a look. He laughed and told me it must be hemmoroid week, because lots of people were complaining about them. I didn't care; I just wanted relief!                

After taking a look, I indeed have a pretty severe inflammation. But he didn't call it that. No, he said that I had PROUD SKIN. I thought about that for a second or two and explained to him that I wasn't particularly proud of it right about now. Once we all quit laughing, he told me that the skin around the opening was swollen (I suppose puffed up and proud looking!) from having the chronic problem. Then he hit me with the bad news.

He referred me back to my primary care physician, and that he would probably refer me to a colorectal surgeon. Which is exactly what he did. Can you say Pain in the Ass?????

I am now desperately trying everything I can to keep from going to the hospital for another surgery. Grandma's prune remedy, lots of creams; I am still unable to eat a lot of high fiber stuff, so gotta find some alternatives. But the bottom line is that it may get better, but it will continue to get worse with each bout and will almost assuredly need some type of surgical repair. I think I may start drinking again!

So there is my Confession; here is my 4-F advice: Don't get constipated, drink a lot of water, and eat your fiber. Because a sore butt is not funny, and the end results are not something to look forward to. And the only thing you have to look forward to is getting the revenge on all your friends who are making jokes at your expense.

Yes, I am taking names, and plotting my revenge. Right after I go eat my prunes!

It's hell getting old!

                                                                                        

Mourning Losses

These past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster ride. So many ups and downs. Kinda like the dieting game. Two steps forward, one step back. In many ways its been more like two back and only one forward.

I had a revelation a couple of days ago. That psychologist was right. You will need to let go of your old body and rejoice in your new one. So, it's okay to mourn for a second or two the fact that you can't have the big ole cheeseburger with the chili fries. It's okay if you spill something that stains your favorite top because it is too big on you anyway. It is okay to miss the old you. But it is more fun to rejoice the new you.

I finally went down below 270 this week. I should be rejoicing. It was a big milestone I had set for myself, but I couldn't enjoy it. I was mourning other losses.

My good friend down here, who has been with me through all my diet angst, lost her mother today. It was not unexpected, but it was still very hard. I had gotten to know her parents as "winter Texans" and they readily just accepted me as another of their kids. I rejoiced that all five of them were together with their mom one last time, but I mourned the fact that we all knew she would soon be gone. I felt their pain, and yet they did so much for me by accepting me into their circle, no questions asked. Having gone through losing my parents, I knew it would be a long time for the pain in their hearts to subside.

When I got home late last night from the hospital, I received notice that my uncle had passed away. It also was not unexpected, but again I mourned his loss. He was a kind man to me and he loved my mom. I will miss him a lot.

In going back and forth from the hospital, I did not eat well. I got off schedule, didn't get my protein, and made many poor food choices. And even though I lost a couple of pounds, it was not lost the right way. I fully expect to have gained a pound by in the morning. I was once again stress eating. Not a good idea at any time.

You need to mourn the losses, but you also need to embrace and celebrate the new bodies you will get. Both the physical and the spiritual ones. That is your gift to yourself, and God's gift to us all.

So, bye, Momma Dolores. Thank you for "adopting" me. I will miss you, but in your new home, you will be healthy and just as spunky as ever. All your kids will be fine.

Have a safe journey, Uncle Lester. I love you a lot.

cindy windy seebadoff saathoff....

Support in Numbers

We survived the ice and snow (mostly ice) down here in the Coastal Bend of Texas. It did cause some problems in that when it did start to drizzle, it froze on the roads so quickly that you were literally stuck on whichever side of the bridge you were on. Fortunately, I had already made my HEB and Lowe's run earlier in anticipation of the storm, so I was stuck in my house on the island. Others who waited for the last minute couldn't get home for almost two days.

Those that were stuck found support from people that they didn't know, getting help from others in the same boat. Pooling resources and swapping stories.  I am sure that it helped make an otherwise miserable time more endurable.

Which brings me to today's ramblings.

The last trip I had over the bridge was to the conference room at the hospital where I had my surgery. It was there I attended my first support group meeting. Only nine of us attended because the norther had blown in a couple of hours prior, and the temperature dropped about forty degrees in that short time. But those of us there spent an enjoyable time swapping stories of our survival and lab-band experiences.

It was good to hear that most shared my own angst over being fat. We were all at different stages of our journey, some with good results, some with slower, and a couple with complications that made it difficult. One wife was there for support, and offered a different view of the experience.

The main topic was "Excuse the Excuses." Our support group leader debunked every excuse we had for not getting up and moving and exercising. EVERY excuse. I was only two weeks out from surgery and had just gotten the Synvisc shots in my knees to help the cartilage, so I thought I had a legitimate excuse. But just as I was making it, our Lap-Band Surgeon, Dr. Griffin, came in and sat right next to me and gave me the look. It said "I'll give you a day or two for your knees, but not for any of the rest," and that look said it loud and clear.

Once we got over our excuse making phase, we began to share what we wanted to do and different ways to achieve those plans. Our leader shared some websites that had "exercise buddies" in our area to connect with, and on-line trainers. I will check these out before my next entry and share that with you. (I would have done it sooner but the ice storm played havoc with my internet connection, and today is the Big Game so I will be otherwise occupied.)

One of the things our leader shared with us is to write down our thoughts and ideas, and how much it helps to see it in black and white. I almost swallowed my tongue to keep from laughing since I was already doing that through this blog. But what made it even funnier is the fact that I have to say a big mea culpa to two of my professors from many years back at the University of Texas at San Antonio. I had just hooked up with them a few days earlier through Facebook, and I was thinking that I absolutely HATED the journals they made me keep during my undergraduate and master's studies. At the time, I thought of it as a big pain in the backside. But, when I went back and read them a couple of years later, I realized how important those writings became, and how my focus became more clear to me in my teaching approach. So, Dr. M and Dr. C, if you read this, it is because of you that I had the courage to write a blog about being fat for all the world to see. It has opened many doors to friends, on-line support, and more creative writing opportunities for me. Who Knew?? Guess they did!

Speaking of the Big Game, it is hard being a Cowboys fan and seeing two arch rivals duking it out in our stadium. It will also be hard because since I am still on pureed foods and am trying to adapt to my new healthy eating style, there are no chips, no dips, and worse, no beer. Only my pureed veggie soup. Instead of reaching for the popcorn, I guess I will be reaching for my protein drink. Dang! The game had better be good, and the commercials better make me laugh!

As for which team...   After much thought (not) I decided that I would much rather root for the Packers than the evil Steelers. No love there. So GO PACKERS! I will be in my Cowboy blue and silver cheering you on!

Then, you can take your trophy and go back home to your frozen tundra. And take our snow and ice with you!